DUCKS UNLIMITED

If there is such a thing as reaching Solicitation Critical Mass, this must be it. We just received a large manila envelope marked "YOURS FREE" across a photo of some sort of jacket "DO NOT BEND FREE GIFT INSIDE."

Enclosed were not one, but two sheets of address labels, one featuring photos of both doggies and ducks, and the other, a line drawing of a duck head in profile. The heading: DUCKS UNLIMITED MISSION: PLEASE ACCEPT THESE PERSONALIZED ADDRESS STICKERS AS OUR WAY OF THANKING YOU FOR YOUR SUPPORT.

Another full 8x10 sheet offered the "FREE GIFT" of a Ducks Unlimited Fleece Jacket. "Easy to wear styling makes this jacket great for transitional weather. This handsome beige microfiber jacket features an embroidered DU logo, and black trim accents at the collar and cuffs. There is a full hem-to-chin zipper with stand-up collar and two hand-warmer zip pockets. Comfortable elasticized cuffs and draw-string waist prevent drafts. Easy care and quick drying too. What a great way to show your support of the wetlands you love. Yours today for a contribution of $25 or more."

I couldn't help thinking, shame on me, what a great jacket this must be for duck hunters.

More: a sturdy DUCKS UNLIMITED Temporary Membership card, signed by vice-president of membership.

Along with: a dollar size DISCOUNT COURTESY CERTIFICATE for $10 off an Annual Membership to Ducks Unlimited.

Along with: a membership application, with addressed and postage paid envelope, and list of SPECIAL MEMBERSHIP BENEFITS, all kinds of things, "...access to "Members Only" DU's special members' section website, one-year subscription to DU magazine, Two window decals, and invitations to events held exclusively for people like you who share your passion for waterfowl."

OK, I like ducks - we even bought a couple of baby ducks for Trev when he was about six years old, thinking it was part of French country life to raise ducks. We kept them in a pretty good size cardboard box downstairs in the living room the first night, but they somehow managed to get out and wander at will, leaving their droppings here and there, and you have no idea how loudly tiny, excitable, ducks can quack.

Undaunted, the next morning after a less than peaceful night, after we did a major clean-up, we reconstructed much higher and more fortified housing outside, realizing that ducks were not normally household pets, inside the house. Then we drove to a distant village where we heard we could buy special duckie food.

By the time we got back, a couple of hours later, Harry and Marty - yes we had named them - had disappeared - escaped from the slammer, just like that.

Trev was in tears, as we ran wildly around the garden, and then finally down the street to ask the neighbors if they had seen any wandering ducklets. Yes, one had seen them "walking down the road more than an hour ago, (what, they were taking a stroll?)" and wondered who they belonged to. We got back in the car and chased around the village, but neither Harry or Marty were to be found.

We tried to convince Trev that they probably found their way to the river and were happily swimming downstream to happier pastures, but it was days before he was more or less convinced. We disposed of the 30 day supply of purchased duck food when he wasn't looking.

But we were appreciative of the quiet nights again.

So, do I qualify as a "passionate lover of waterfowl"? Other than Duck a L'Orange, that is.

Do I really want a special Duck embroidered Fleece Jacket?

And all the other benefits membership entails?

Even if I did want to support their no doubt worthy cause, and send them a contribution, I shudder to think what would fill our mail box in the coming days, weeks, and years, since I am convinced my support for the Ocean Conservancy, the Wildlife Fund, the Nature Conservancy, the National Audubon Society, and a few others I seem to have forgotten, (from whom I have several umbrellas, T-shirts, and assorted other merchandise) is somehow responsible for what I find is now, as I said, reached Solicitation Critical Mass.

No, I think I'll return the entire package with my best wishes for their continued success and try to consume less duck this summer.

Cdb.