WHOLE FOODS - HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO ME?

We spent most of yesterday inside the new much touted Whole Foods market in Redondo Beach, California. It was broad daylight when we entered, and hours later, we left in the dark.

Yes, it is enormous. Yes, it is filled with all kinds of wonderful food and "things" (candles, all natural fiber robes shirts, baby clothes), vitamins, all natural beauty aids, gift cards, books, magazines.......

......the trick is how to find them.

What ever happened to aisles? Well, there are still a few, very few, some perpendicular to others, but for the most part one must wander around - in a daze - stumbling over countless islands of seemingly non-related goods.

We usually get rather hungry during a big shop, and Whole Foods has nice take-out which we eat there - but what an ordeal that turned out to be in this Dernier Cri food emporium! Great confusion as we found one salad bar - then after we filled our plates, we found - way over there - yet another salad bar - and the Mexican hot dishes - then hot vegetable, the sandwiches were in a different place altogether. We finally gave up and went to pay.

One has to walk all the way to the front, line up at the registers, wait to pay for the food only, then walk to another area to find an empty table with space for your now overflowing shopping cart. By then our food was cold.

Why have the designers of these macro markets decided that aisles are all wrong -
passe?

Even Carrefour Hiper Marche (supermarket) in Toulouse, France, which is so large that the attendants wear roller skates (absolutely true), has AISLES.

What could possibly make them think that having all these counters, bins, table displays spread around with no relation to one another could possibly make shopping if not an enjoyable pastime, at least manageable? You know, where if you just walk up and down the aisles, you can find what you're looking for?

Therefore, I not so humbly suggest that if Whole Foods expects us to remain loyal customers, they must seriously consider installing a GPS on every shopping cart.

I can see us entering, pushing our cart, to tap the GPS screen "Navigate To".....and spell out "Olives." The voice and screen advise us to take 3 steps, turn right at Cheese, turn left, then right again to start over, that was Soft Cheese. So now it's "After 4 more short steps, turn left at Tea Center, to end of circle"...but by then we need to go back to main menu and "Browse Map." This tells us we should be in front of Chocolate Fountain, but we must have taken a wrong turn at the Tea Center, because this has some chocolates, but no Fountain, and no Hard Cheese is in sight.

I punch Find Alternate, but that takes us back to the entrance, and the main menu. This time we get as far as Hard Cheese, They've been tracking us, and must know we're at Hard Cheese, as the voice directs us to pass the hot soups, which we do, but we passed the Chicken Gumbo, Minestrone, and Cream of mushroom steam table, and have to go back and go the other way around to a different and far off Ginger-Pumpkin, Lentil, and Tomato soups island.

Maybe if I try Points of Interest and once again spell out "Olives"?

Maybe if I tap "Change Preferences" and ask for most direct route? But that only seems to confuse the voice and map.

We give it one more shot, with "Favorite" and after several "Two steps to the right, turn left at salad bar, four steps to the right, You Have Reached Your Destination." We're truly elated until we see.....

......these are black olives, we wanted GREEN.

Maybe they should just put back the aisles?

Cimadb

WON'T SOMEONE PLEASE SAVE OUR TREES?!

I have this vision of someone, having heard about our mysterious disappearance, breaking down our front door, only to be swept away by a tsunami of catalogs pouring out and over the balcony. Fighting their way through, the rescuers find our broken bodies under the L.L. Bean piles.

I attribute this to the overwhelming number of catalogs arriving daily. Yes, I do toss them, but if I throw away six one day, ten will be in the next day's mail.

The thing is, I do like to look at catalogs because they often have things which you can only find in catalogs. Where else can you buy Fuller Brushes these days? Or maybe "soft stuffed animals which the microwave turns into cordless heat packs"? A 6" Talking Gnome "Repeats what you say...giving it a gnome accent - just give him a hug and he'll deliver a song or your message - use it for any occasion - sure to be a big hit. Replaceable batteries included." And what I'm seriously considering: "Fluffy microfiber 'finger' soles on slippers so that you dust your floors as you glide across the floor!"

So I occasionally actually do buy something from a catalog, although I think I'll pass on the gnome, although I am kind of curious to hear what a gnome's accent is.

And Lands End does have rather nice turtle neck blouses. Yes, I know, you can buy all that stuff on line. But every time I try to buy anything on the internet I can only compare it to the Chinese Water Treatment (or Waterboarding, which, if nothing else, is seemingly quicker, that is if you survive), and I always give up in total, utter frustration.

Yesterday's LA Times had an article which reports that there is a service which allows one to "gain control over the postal flood tide that inundates them with billions of catalogs a year." See? ..."billions of catalogs...." I'm not exaggerating.

However, what this service promises to do is get your name off all lists, which, of course, means that you no longer receive any catalog whatsoever. And it isn't that I don't ever want to see another catalog, - see above - it's just that I don't want ten Harry & David catalogs within a ten day period. Some are actually duplicates. Does Victoria's Secret think we're a ten female thong-wearing family?

The article also clearly states that ".....it takes 58 million trees to produce the 3.6 million tons of paper in those catalogs. Add in the energy required to make the paper and ship the catalogs......" and well, you can imagine the rest of the environmental study.

So like I said, Won't Someone Please Save Our Trees?

Cimadb

WARNING

TO ALLREALLY OBSESSIVE SUDOKU PLAYERS. BEWARE THAT SUDOKU CAN CAUSE HEMORRHOIDS.

THERE IS NOW A SIGN ON MY BATHROOM DOOR: "DO NOT ENTER WITH SUDOKU BOOK."

CIMADB

Please Remove Our Names From Your Mailing List

Among the mountain of mail awaiting our arrival back in the Marina, we found a catalog listing dozens of offers, each one producing Instant Depression:

Illustration: Scowling very attractive white-haired lady, looks far too young for
Caption: "I will NOT go to a nursing home! I want to keep living in my home. That's why I use Life Alert Emergency Protection." (toll free telephone number)

Illustration: Smiling white hair/bearded man holding open toilet lid, hand on seat. Caption: "Having trouble wiping? Problems twisting, turning, or reaching due to physical problems such as.....? Arthritis, Osteoporosis, MS/MD, Parkinson's, Arm Injury, Back Pain, Obesity, Hemorrhoids......and other medical conditions?
THE SOLUTION: "COMFORT SEAT" ALLOWS USERS TO WASH THEMSELVES CLEAN WITH A PRESS OF A BUTTON. NO PLUMBER REQUIRED. (Toll free number - and web site)

Illustration: Smiling Ed McMahon, standing beside a motorized wheel chair.
Caption: Start Living Again! ....and there may be NO COST to you!* Power Wheel Chair or Scooter - Moist Heat Therapy Pump - Call Comfort Medical Supply toll free for a free, no obligation consultation. (Toll free number)

More ads:
THE INTELLIGENT WALKING CANE
KNEE PAIN IS NO LAUGHING MATTER (who said it was?)
END THE SUFFERING OF ACHING LEGS (ALL NATURAL LEG RELIEF BREAKTHROUGH)
DENTURE CLEANSERS THAT REALLY WORK!
KEEP YOUR HEARING AID OUT OF THE SHOP!
SAVE $47.04 - COMPARE PRICES ON ENERGIZER HEARING AID BATTERIES!
WALK-IN BATHTUB
"WE'LL TAKE YOU TO THE TOP. YOU SIT WE TAKE YOU UP OR DOWN YOUR STAIRS (NEW! INTRODUCTION THE CITIA! CHOICE OF FIVE SEATS TO FIT ANY BUDGET OR CONDITION!

LAST BUT NOT LEAST: "MAKING TOO MANY TRIPS TO THE BATHROOM? HELP REDUCE FREQUENCY AND URGENCY - NO RISK SUPER FORMULA 30 DAY FREE OFFER!

Actually, there was one thing we were sort of interested in, and that was "A CELL PHONE MADE JUST FOR YOU! 'JITTERBUG' THE WORLD'S SIMPLEST AND MOST HASSLE-FREE CELL PHONE DOESN'T HAVE ALL THE FANCY FEATURES THAT YOU DON'T USE ANYWAY. INSTEAD, IT'S EASY TO CALL ANYONE, ANYTIME, WHEREVER YOU GO." (Illustration: smiling "elderly couple" rubbing noses happily)

Besides, we liked the name.

Cimadb

It Had To Happen

What with pet designer coffins, spas, special hot and cold weather wear (4 lined booties [with fur?]), beds, to say nothing of special holiday munchies - or gulpies -
sooner or later I was bound to see something like the three quarter page Macy's ad in this morning's paper for "A fetching new fragrance - Juicy Crittoure - (!) a collection for the seriously (as opposed to?) pampered dog."

".....Your furry best friend has always put you on a pedestal. Now it's your turn to return the adoration with this collection of couture (!) canine fragrance and care items. PAWTECTION Softening paw palm, 1.7 oz $28. SHAMPOOCH shampoo, 8 oz. $25. PAWFUM fragrance, 1 oz. $60. SOFT SPOT coat conditioning mist, 8 oz. $20. CALF FUR moisturizing conditioner. 8 oz. $25."

Only two questions: Are these products Uni-Sex? If he or she doesn't like the particular scent, can he or she return for cash or credit?

Cimadb

MORPHING HOLIDAYS

On our return from France, our stopover in Staten Island was, as they say, "A Wake Up Call."

We thought it was only mid-September, but clearly, judging by the displays everywhere, we were wrong.

Seemingly the Halloween ghosts were tripping over the Thanksgiving turkeys trying to put up Christmas decorations.

Spell Check Amusements

I've started a list of Spell Check "Suggestions". Mostly because I've long been both bothered and amused to find every time I type my name, I get the following list of Suggested Changes:

Cyma
Coma
CIA
Came (note capital) (when did it become a noun?)

I keep trying to make a sentence using those four words: Maybe "Cyma went into a Coma because the CIA Came to look for Cima"?

I have many more, but today's next best: "Grandkids" "Replace with Granddads?"

Cimadb