Please Remove Our Names From Your Mailing List

Among the mountain of mail awaiting our arrival back in the Marina, we found a catalog listing dozens of offers, each one producing Instant Depression:

Illustration: Scowling very attractive white-haired lady, looks far too young for
Caption: "I will NOT go to a nursing home! I want to keep living in my home. That's why I use Life Alert Emergency Protection." (toll free telephone number)

Illustration: Smiling white hair/bearded man holding open toilet lid, hand on seat. Caption: "Having trouble wiping? Problems twisting, turning, or reaching due to physical problems such as.....? Arthritis, Osteoporosis, MS/MD, Parkinson's, Arm Injury, Back Pain, Obesity, Hemorrhoids......and other medical conditions?
THE SOLUTION: "COMFORT SEAT" ALLOWS USERS TO WASH THEMSELVES CLEAN WITH A PRESS OF A BUTTON. NO PLUMBER REQUIRED. (Toll free number - and web site)

Illustration: Smiling Ed McMahon, standing beside a motorized wheel chair.
Caption: Start Living Again! ....and there may be NO COST to you!* Power Wheel Chair or Scooter - Moist Heat Therapy Pump - Call Comfort Medical Supply toll free for a free, no obligation consultation. (Toll free number)

More ads:
THE INTELLIGENT WALKING CANE
KNEE PAIN IS NO LAUGHING MATTER (who said it was?)
END THE SUFFERING OF ACHING LEGS (ALL NATURAL LEG RELIEF BREAKTHROUGH)
DENTURE CLEANSERS THAT REALLY WORK!
KEEP YOUR HEARING AID OUT OF THE SHOP!
SAVE $47.04 - COMPARE PRICES ON ENERGIZER HEARING AID BATTERIES!
WALK-IN BATHTUB
"WE'LL TAKE YOU TO THE TOP. YOU SIT WE TAKE YOU UP OR DOWN YOUR STAIRS (NEW! INTRODUCTION THE CITIA! CHOICE OF FIVE SEATS TO FIT ANY BUDGET OR CONDITION!

LAST BUT NOT LEAST: "MAKING TOO MANY TRIPS TO THE BATHROOM? HELP REDUCE FREQUENCY AND URGENCY - NO RISK SUPER FORMULA 30 DAY FREE OFFER!

Actually, there was one thing we were sort of interested in, and that was "A CELL PHONE MADE JUST FOR YOU! 'JITTERBUG' THE WORLD'S SIMPLEST AND MOST HASSLE-FREE CELL PHONE DOESN'T HAVE ALL THE FANCY FEATURES THAT YOU DON'T USE ANYWAY. INSTEAD, IT'S EASY TO CALL ANYONE, ANYTIME, WHEREVER YOU GO." (Illustration: smiling "elderly couple" rubbing noses happily)

Besides, we liked the name.

Cimadb

It Had To Happen

What with pet designer coffins, spas, special hot and cold weather wear (4 lined booties [with fur?]), beds, to say nothing of special holiday munchies - or gulpies -
sooner or later I was bound to see something like the three quarter page Macy's ad in this morning's paper for "A fetching new fragrance - Juicy Crittoure - (!) a collection for the seriously (as opposed to?) pampered dog."

".....Your furry best friend has always put you on a pedestal. Now it's your turn to return the adoration with this collection of couture (!) canine fragrance and care items. PAWTECTION Softening paw palm, 1.7 oz $28. SHAMPOOCH shampoo, 8 oz. $25. PAWFUM fragrance, 1 oz. $60. SOFT SPOT coat conditioning mist, 8 oz. $20. CALF FUR moisturizing conditioner. 8 oz. $25."

Only two questions: Are these products Uni-Sex? If he or she doesn't like the particular scent, can he or she return for cash or credit?

Cimadb

MORPHING HOLIDAYS

On our return from France, our stopover in Staten Island was, as they say, "A Wake Up Call."

We thought it was only mid-September, but clearly, judging by the displays everywhere, we were wrong.

Seemingly the Halloween ghosts were tripping over the Thanksgiving turkeys trying to put up Christmas decorations.